Copypasta

What's up bitches. Are you ready for me to make you money? That's what I fucking thought. My name is Derek and I'm a 23-year-old McNeese student that will be graduating in the Spring with a degree in General Studies. That's right -- GENERAL FUCKING STUDIES. This means I know everything about everything. I decided to leave my previous 4 years of Engineering school in the search for something that didn't make me want to eat the barrel of a gun every morning. As of now, I've got a GPA of 3.09, which is a fucking miracle given the amount of alcohol I've consumed over the years.

To break the ice, let me tell you a little about how fucking awesome I am. I can do some pretty mad freestyle raps (or so my homeboys say), and I enjoy wearing a bow tie. I take my pants off without unbuttoning them. Why? Because it's extremely efficient, and I've got more important shit to do than to unbutton my damn pants. I think all meals should be easily prepared in a microwave, and my favorite flavor of cotton candy is pink. I fucking DARE you to disagree with me. I've had what most people like to call "questionable previous employment", although I swear it's legit. Don't ask me about it though. I've never worked at a fast food restaurant, and I usually smell like the Old Spice "Swagger" fragrance. Only bad mother fuckers smell like swagger. I enjoy long walks on the beach, but only if the beach is located in Miami. I enjoy devices that are iPhone compatible, and I feel that everything tastes better with velveeta. I've slept on couches all over the US, and was once told that I fucked up a hotel suite somewhere on the Vegas strip. My Mom calls me her "Perfect Little Angel", so this means you can completely trust me with your daughters, nieces, hot female friends, etc...

Since I know I've already got this job in the bag, let me start off by telling you how useful I would be for your company.

Do you need me to answer your phone and talk shit to the vendors you hate? I abso-fucking-lutely love talking shit to vendors, ESPECIALLY the ones you hate. Want me to be nice to the vendors you hate? I can do that shit too. Look, I'm already showing how versatile I can be!

Do you want me to send flowers to your mother? FUCKING RIGHT! I'll hand pick and DELIVER those bitches to her office and even sing her a god damn song that will bring tears to her eyes -- and I'll lie and tell her you wrote it!! I can do the song with my best friend Jeff who gets laid weekly because of his crazy guitar skills, or acapella. Your choice.

Want a drinking buddy after a long day at the office/jobsite/underground meth lab? Holy shit, we may as well be best friends. I'll drink whatever you put in front of me -- who gives a fuck if it smells like pure gasoline. I'll even stop drinking a few hours early so I can drive you home to your bitch wife who likely hates me. BEST. FUCKING. FRIENDS.

Does shit constantly break at your office? Holy fuck, you just hit the jackpot. I was an automotive mechanic for two years and a motorcycle mechanic for another two years. I can fix anything. If I can't fix it, I'll break it so that the warranty will replace it. You're already making money with me working for you!!

Is your wife/girlfriend/mistress cheating on you? Give me 4 minutes and I can hack that bitch's computer, and we can snoop through all of her emails. Maybe we find out that she hasn't cheated on you, which is no big deal. Give me another 4 minutes so I can send some "questionable" messages to random guys, and you've now got the perfect eject button from your shitty relationship! Brilliant!!

Do you need me to launder money for your drug/fraud/prostitution ring at the local casino? I won't do it. Why? BECAUSE I'VE GOT MORALS ASSHOLE. Just kidding. Slip me a few hundreds under the table and I'll do whatever the fuck you want as long as I'm home for dinner. Dinner is serious business, and I don't operate to full potential without it.

I think you've got the idea of how fucking amazing I would be as an employee. You don't even have to put me on the books -- I'll work for cash! Less liability for you, and you'll save on insurance!! Send me a message, as that shit goes directly to my phone, because I mean business mother fucker.