Copypasta

I think I’m a closet sex freak. I’m sleeping with this guy which I do really bad things with, but he doesn’t love me or care for me and even though I’m satisfied, there’s an emptiness that I never had with my ex-boyfriend. My ex never was able to make me feel great and we had really mediocre sex but afterwards he’d cuddle with me, tell me how much he loved me, how great I made him feel and how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. We’d spoon and kiss and fall asleep in each others’ arms and I’d wake up feeling completely happy and content. He’d make me breakfast and we’d spend the day lazing about his apartment or go out for a walk with his two dogs and I was so happy, and felt as long as I have these moments and have this love for the rest of my life, I can die satisfied.

That was all before this guy raped me and destroyed my contentment with my ex. After that night, I just couldn’t stay with my ex-boyfriend because I felt so shameful but at the same time, I realized how I didn’t have passion and lust for my boyfriend that I felt for this guy who violated me. I’m really confused because I can’t say he raped me because it excited me how he was forcing himself, but I still can’t help but STILL feel dirty with him every time we’re together. It’s turned into a consensual sexual friendship and he never hurts me or hits me, but the way we treat each other is just awful…. I feel almost like I’m a whore.

I wonder if I’m totally messing up my emotional health over with this destructive relationship. My ex-boyfriend still calls me crying and I’m still fucking the man. What am I doing? Why can I go back to my ex and be happy and have those mornings again? Instead I’m sleeping with the man and I always leave right after, because I can’t stand the idea of sleeping in his bed when he doesn’t care about me. He doesn’t make me go, in fact he asks me to stay but I just can’t because that’ll give me false hope that maybe one day he’ll love me. But he never will. Instead he calls me or stops by my house and work just to have sex and I comply.

Sometimes I think to that night, how he was tearing my clothes off, pushing me around and pinning me down while I was crying and telling him no and telling him to stop and as much as I know that’s wrong and probably rape, I kind of get turned on… What’s wrong with me?